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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Insomia, Anxiety, Control

Tomorrow I leave for Bethesda and my 4th check in with my transplant team seen moving back to Massachusetts in July.  To be honest I haven't been sleeping all that well, my anxiety levels are up, and I seem to be trying to find ways to control everything in sight.  Sorry to my family for that last one!  The truth of it all is though, that I (intellectually speaking) have nothing to be afraid of...no new symptoms, only good bloodwork, feeling great, lots of energy (ran a mile yesterday, plan on another one today), and a medical team that seems to think I'm doing pretty darn well.  It's difficult though to remember that just because the other shoe has dropped over and over again in the past, that is not a predictor of it dropping in the future.  I am living each day one day at a time and am grateful for each of these days, for every moment that I have to live and give. 

My lovely and sweet husband often jokes about my time "not working" with the image of me laying on the couch eating bonbons all day!  I will admit that I've embraced these jokes and even encourage them...laughing is too much fun not too.  But the reality is (and he knows this) that I am hardly ever lounging on the couch and am not sure I'd know a bonbon if someone shoved it in my mouth!  I am taking this time "not working" to work at healing and growing in a variety of ways.  I've connected with several patients and their families who are dealing with similar as well as different diagnoses to the one that I received.  I am serving as a Consumer Reviewer on a panel made up of Doctors, Scientists, and Lay People (who have experienced cancer) to review, critique, and ultimately vote on funding for cancer related medical research proposals.  I am attempting to blog regularly as it not only seems to interest my readers but it helps me to process.  I am on twitter and facebook...probably too often...but learn of events and people that I want to connect with almost everyday.  And did I mention keeping up with the life of a 3 year old in preschool (this includes bakesales, school pictures, lunches, etc...and she only goes 2 days a week)!  Additionally, instead of the unknown bonbon I am spending a decent amount of time learning about nutrition and trying to put good and healthy things into my body.  Oh yeah, and the holidays are arriving...Christmas shopping anyone!!

This not working thing is more work than I ever imagined and I love every minute!  Now for those of you who are currently thinking "I hope she isn't overdoing it" not to worry...I still take the occasional nap and make time for yoga and reading that is totally unrelated to any of the above!  In short, I am taking care of my body and mind to the very best of my ability. 

I hope that you all are too!

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