Faith

I am sitting outside the NIH Chapel doors trying to organize my thoughts on faith into words and complete sentences.  A fitting place to be seated but I must confess it wasn't until after I selected a comfortable looking chair that I fully realized my proximity to the chapel.

At some point during my battle with cancer I turned to my husband (the son of a minister) and said, "I'm finished with God.  There can not possibly be a God that would allow this much pain and fear to go on in the world".  Adam, very simply, nodded and said quietly, "ok".

It was during this time of giving up my religious faith that I discovered my need for faith in something.  Something greater than the faith that chocolate would always taste good.  I found my faith in my strength, my love, my power, my humor, and my ability to take what was being thrown at me (even when horribly difficult).

It took about two weeks of "not believing in God" and instead believing inand having faith in myself, to find God and my religious faith.  Don't misunderstand me, I was still (and continue to be) mad at God because he clearly can't fix all that I deem fixable.  But, regardless, I have complete faith in His love for me, just as I have complete faith in my own love for myself.  And in that I have found healing.

Faith & Hope

There is a great deal that I want to say on the topics of faith and hope but, to be honest, I'm having trouble organizing all of my thoughts.  So, instead of rambling along and scaring away readers I thought I'd start by posting some of my favorite quotations.   A longer post with more of my own words will follow soon.

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the staircase.
-Martin Luther King Jr.

I would rather err on the side of faith than on the side of doubt.
 -Robert Schuller

Miracles happen everyday.
 -Unknown

Where hope grows, miracles blossom.
-Elna Rae

There are only two ways to live...one is as though nothing is a miracle...the other is as though everything is. - Albert Einstein

"Mommy, Did you win the race?"

Happy 4th of July!  Once again, I say, what a difference a year makes.  Last year on the 4th I "ran" about 20 yards while holding my daughter's hand in a little kids fun run.  At the time I weighed a little over 100 pounds and was on a fairly strict diet that wasn't particularly conducive to flavor, or second helpings.  I was suffering from steroid induced insomnia and had not slept for more than a 3 hour stretch in days.  And I was fairly anxious about getting to +100 days and getting to go home to Massachusetts.

This morning I got up and ran in the Hingham Road Race with my friend Bryan (he was incredibly patient with my pace...and quite enjoyable to run with).  So....last year 20 yards and this year 4.47 miles!

At the end of the race my daughter and husband were there to give huge hugs and smiles.  I picked up my little girl as she asked me "Mommy, did you win the race?"  I was just about to explain to her that, in fact, lots of people had finished before more and a few people finished after me, when I stopped and really thought about the question...."Yes Grace, Mommy did win the race".  She kissed me and I swear in all of her 4 year old wisdom she understood exactly what I meant.

In the spirit of this story, I want to announce to all of you that I will be running in the Maine 1/2 marathon on October 2 with Team in Training.  My sister, Susannah, is the Boston City Team Coach and in addition to being the "Honored Hero" for the team I decided to give it a go.  In doing this race in October I am committing to raising money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  I am including the link to my fundraising site here as well as at the top of my blog.  Please remember that every little bit helps and every dollar I raise is another dollar that just might help some one like me to win the race.  http://pages.teamintraining.org/ma/maine11/enaylorek4