I am sitting outside the NIH Chapel doors trying to organize my thoughts on faith into words and complete sentences. A fitting place to be seated but I must confess it wasn't until after I selected a comfortable looking chair that I fully realized my proximity to the chapel.
At some point during my battle with cancer I turned to my husband (the son of a minister) and said, "I'm finished with God. There can not possibly be a God that would allow this much pain and fear to go on in the world". Adam, very simply, nodded and said quietly, "ok".
It was during this time of giving up my religious faith that I discovered my need for faith in something. Something greater than the faith that chocolate would always taste good. I found my faith in my strength, my love, my power, my humor, and my ability to take what was being thrown at me (even when horribly difficult).
It took about two weeks of "not believing in God" and instead believing inand having faith in myself, to find God and my religious faith. Don't misunderstand me, I was still (and continue to be) mad at God because he clearly can't fix all that I deem fixable. But, regardless, I have complete faith in His love for me, just as I have complete faith in my own love for myself. And in that I have found healing.
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